Do Your Parents Know? My Birthmother's Difficult Question

May 11, 1999

Irene's letter to me

"Kate, you haven't mentioned your parents since your first letter. Do they know you have had contact with me? Kate, as much as I want to continue our relationship, I don't want to hurt them. They are your parents - they raised you, educated you - were there when you were sick to comfort you. I may be your birthmother, but they are your parents. If you have their blessings on this, then I will feel better. Please keep me posted."

A wave of fear passed through me as I read Irene's words. My adoptive mother felt terribly threatened by my search for my birthmother. Given the terrible losses that she experienced with her pregnancies before they adopted me, my gut instinct was that she was afraid she'd lose me - back to my birthmother. I knew that I had to talk with my parents since I'd found Irene, but I didn't want to hurt them, and I wasn't looking forward to it.

June 13, 1999

My letter to Irene

"I have always had the intention of telling my parents about my contact with you, but I did not tell them about searching for you because I did not know what I'd find. There were so many possibilites, you might not have been alive, you might not have wanted to have any contact, etc., etc. I did not want to worry my parents needlessly. Now that we are writing and our relationship seems to be moving along, I will tell them. I had hoped to find a time to do so before I wrote to you, but the timing has been wrong between Mother's Day, my mother's birthday, their anniversary. But I think that when I explain it to them, it will be fine and they will understand and not be hurt. I am not looking for another mother or family, I already have that. I'm looking for a heritage, a history, to learn where I am from and the story about my beginnings. The relationship that you and I and your family may develop will be unique, and it may be wonderful in time. It may become like an extended family of sorts, or maybe not, time will tell. I look forward to the possiblities. But my parents are my true parents and nothing will ever change that. It may take me a little time to begin the conversation with them, but I'll keep you posted. Thanks for caring so much for their well-being."

August 3, 1999

Irene's letter to me

"I know only too well how difficult it is to find the right time to bring up a rather difficult subject. I'm sure you will find the time and place to discuss it with your parents. We all look forward to a good relationship - however long it takes. Just being able to write and learn about you and your family has been so enjoyable for me. Things will move along."

Adoption can be difficult for everyone involved, depending upon the circumstances. Back in the 1950's when I was adopted, it was fraught with shame and secrecy. Irene had hidden her secret from almost everyone for 42 years. My adoptive mother was terrified that I'd want to "go back" to my birthmother if I found her. And I didn't feel like I could talk about being adopted - on one hand because it felt like a stigma, shrouded in secrecy - and on the other hand because my mother was so hurt that I was searching. Yet all I wanted to know was where I came from - that there was a history that belonged to me that didn't randomly start on December 16th, 1956. It was a conundrum all around.

My parents and me - 1961